Look Out for the Flying Monkeys!!!

For those of you who don’t know, I answer a lot of emails for my job…probably enough to make a person insane…which might explain a lot if you know what I mean? The variety of things that we receive is sometimes inexplicable and a lot of times from people who are outraged. This is the funniest thing I have ever experienced considering the people the emails are concerning are in their golden years and apparently completely willing to share their opinions of our ability or inability to complete our jobs.
Recently while adding to my insanity by working my 108Th hour of overtime for the month of December, my partner in crime Jules, shared with me an issue from a member where they wanted a detailed letter explaining our inadequate and incompetent impact on their account. The following is the response that I recommended for Jules to reply with:

Dear Member
We regretfully have no explanations as to why we continue to hire completely incompetent idiots when clearly a monkey would suffice. I ask myself everyday where they find the pool of morons from which we continuously hire the idiots who manage your account. I apologize that it is damn near impossible for your account to ever reflect an accurate balance. It is my intention to biatch slap each person who has ever erroneous touched your account on the next business day. Please know that not all of us are this ridiculously incompetent and I will make it my personal business to keep the morons in line so that you at least have the satisfaction that something is being done.
My Sincerest Apologies for the Inconvenience,
Your new favorite Insurance Billing Coordinator

This is a MUST SHARE!!!

LUBBOCK, Texas – There may be a perfectly good reason why Santa doesn't get lost on his annual Christmas globetrot: His flying reindeer just might be female and don't mind stopping for directions.
The gender of Rudolph and his or her sleigh-hauling friends — the subject of goofy Internet chatter every year around this time — is now being pondered by renowned wildlife experts at Texas A&M University.
"Santa's reindeers were really females, most likely," said Alice Blue-McLendon, a veterinary medicine professor specializing in deer who cites the depictions of Santa's helpers with antlers as the primary evidence. It turns out reindeer grow antlers regardless of gender, and most bulls typically shed their fuzzy protrusions before Christmas.
But Santa's sleigh helpers might also be castrated males, known as steers, said Greg Finstad, who manages the Reindeer Research Program at the University of Alaska Fairbanks.
Young steers finish shedding their antlers in February and March, just as non-expecting females do. Bulls generally lose theirs before Christmas, while expectant mothers retain their antlers until calves are birthed in the spring. This allows them to protect food resources through harsh weather and to have enough for developing fetuses, he said.

Only Me!

Are you wondering what these girls are doing? They are breaking into a vehicle with a coat hanger....You want to know the difference between this picture and what you would have seen this morning had you been with me? The difference would be about 4 inches of snow and from the looks of it at least 70 degrees....

That's right boys and girls this morning was an adventure. See what happened was I needed to bring the pets to friend Jules house because the pesky housing people were coming to the house to inspect and my $300.00 pet deposit only covered the fish tank so the 4 legged creatures are not suppose to be there. So normally I would have walked out the door with just my sweatshirt on but for some God foreseeing reason I threw on my snowmobile jacket! Hmmm, he knew!

So I drive the boy to school and then I continue over to Jules house. I get there and leave the vehicle running since the standing temp was maybe -10 degrees this morning. I take the dogs into the house and leave the cat in the van. I come back out and that crazy cat must have stepped on the auto locks and locked me out of my running vehicle which at the time had 3/4 of a tank of gas....hmmm

So I call the boyfriend and he says try to use a coat hanger...then he vowed to take the kids to school and meet me over there. So here I stand out in the freakin freezing cold watching my cat sit on the heating vent meowing at me like "hey its warm in here what the hell are you doing out there?" Biatch! I bet you I spent 30 minutes freezing my ass, fingers and toes off trying to pop that lock...Jules came out...to no avail....

So boyfriend gets lost while on his way over. I have to use the orange flairs to wave him in from a side street. He gets there and do you know that man took the coat hanger and popped that lock within 2 minutes! Unbelievable! Thank God for the boyfriend today!

So I talked to Jules on the way home and tell her unbelievable we tried for how long to get that f'ing lock and it takes him 2 minutes??? Without skipping a beat (which is why I love her) she says "Well I guess he is a better criminal than us".

Long and short of it...

1. You really should have a spare key that isn't made up

2. Keep a boy who has skills like that if you can utilize it with out having to bail him out of jail

3. Snow mobile jackets might be bulky but they are damn warm

4. Never leave a 4 legged creature roaming around in a running vehicle in -10 degree weather!

Here's to wishing none of you find yourself watching your car run while your toes get frostbite!!

Thank you for all your educational emails!

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been20found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258Th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Coke or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I c canʼt use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Nearly Christmas! (dedicated to Jules!)

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Hunting!

Ha ha bet no one would ever have thought this would happen. I did it....I went hunting! I actually always go down to Viroqua while the boyfriend does the hunting thing...usually I stay in the house making goodies and what not. I have gone out and helped try to "drive" the deer...who ever thought of that should be shot instead of the deer. This year however I had the luxery of taking my "brother inlaw" (not really, this is boyfriends brother) Brad out hunting. He is in a wheel chair and can't go by himself. So being the super cool person that I am or maybe am not, I took it upon myself to volunteer to go out hunting with him. Everyone else hunts and the normal person who would go with him is part of the huge family feud! So had I not volunteered I don't think he would have gotten to go. Now here is the thing, what I didn't know was that I didn't just get to drive him out to his "stand" and sit and wait for these infamous creatures. I actually had to learn to set him up...what!!!! I had to put his mount for the gun on his chair, adjust it so it was on there just so, and load the gun! OMG, I have never done this! Anyway, it was interesting.

What I learned:

1. Everything is a myth when it comes to hunting.

2. There is no "good" time to hunt

3. Hunting really is boring just as I had thought

4. Brad loves to talk...thought this was a quiet sport

5. It is possible to fall asleep during this activity

6. The woodland creatures can be very noisy

7. I think the woodpeckers send out S.O.S signals to the rest of the woodland creatures

8. Brad's Stand is in the middle of the Woodpecker Bermuda Triangle

9. The deer know when you exit (hence the tracks all around my tree after the morning trip out to the tree stand)

10. Deer see in black and white so apparently I didn't look like the "Great Pumpkin" that I thought I looked like!

PS on a side note, we went back down to Viroqua the weekend after Turkey day so boyfriend could hunt again since the deer had left on vacation the weekend before. Somehow I got con'd into going out with Jamey...what I learned, I don't like sitting 16 feet up in the air on a metal bench that is held on to a tree that is only about 8 inches in diameter...and by the way the deer were still on vacation...at least for us!