Look Out for the Flying Monkeys!!!

For those of you who don’t know, I answer a lot of emails for my job…probably enough to make a person insane…which might explain a lot if you know what I mean? The variety of things that we receive is sometimes inexplicable and a lot of times from people who are outraged. This is the funniest thing I have ever experienced considering the people the emails are concerning are in their golden years and apparently completely willing to share their opinions of our ability or inability to complete our jobs.
Recently while adding to my insanity by working my 108Th hour of overtime for the month of December, my partner in crime Jules, shared with me an issue from a member where they wanted a detailed letter explaining our inadequate and incompetent impact on their account. The following is the response that I recommended for Jules to reply with:

Dear Member
We regretfully have no explanations as to why we continue to hire completely incompetent idiots when clearly a monkey would suffice. I ask myself everyday where they find the pool of morons from which we continuously hire the idiots who manage your account. I apologize that it is damn near impossible for your account to ever reflect an accurate balance. It is my intention to biatch slap each person who has ever erroneous touched your account on the next business day. Please know that not all of us are this ridiculously incompetent and I will make it my personal business to keep the morons in line so that you at least have the satisfaction that something is being done.
My Sincerest Apologies for the Inconvenience,
Your new favorite Insurance Billing Coordinator

This is a MUST SHARE!!!

LUBBOCK, Texas – There may be a perfectly good reason why Santa doesn't get lost on his annual Christmas globetrot: His flying reindeer just might be female and don't mind stopping for directions.
The gender of Rudolph and his or her sleigh-hauling friends — the subject of goofy Internet chatter every year around this time — is now being pondered by renowned wildlife experts at Texas A&M University.
"Santa's reindeers were really females, most likely," said Alice Blue-McLendon, a veterinary medicine professor specializing in deer who cites the depictions of Santa's helpers with antlers as the primary evidence. It turns out reindeer grow antlers regardless of gender, and most bulls typically shed their fuzzy protrusions before Christmas.
But Santa's sleigh helpers might also be castrated males, known as steers, said Greg Finstad, who manages the Reindeer Research Program at the University of Alaska Fairbanks.
Young steers finish shedding their antlers in February and March, just as non-expecting females do. Bulls generally lose theirs before Christmas, while expectant mothers retain their antlers until calves are birthed in the spring. This allows them to protect food resources through harsh weather and to have enough for developing fetuses, he said.

Only Me!

Are you wondering what these girls are doing? They are breaking into a vehicle with a coat hanger....You want to know the difference between this picture and what you would have seen this morning had you been with me? The difference would be about 4 inches of snow and from the looks of it at least 70 degrees....

That's right boys and girls this morning was an adventure. See what happened was I needed to bring the pets to friend Jules house because the pesky housing people were coming to the house to inspect and my $300.00 pet deposit only covered the fish tank so the 4 legged creatures are not suppose to be there. So normally I would have walked out the door with just my sweatshirt on but for some God foreseeing reason I threw on my snowmobile jacket! Hmmm, he knew!

So I drive the boy to school and then I continue over to Jules house. I get there and leave the vehicle running since the standing temp was maybe -10 degrees this morning. I take the dogs into the house and leave the cat in the van. I come back out and that crazy cat must have stepped on the auto locks and locked me out of my running vehicle which at the time had 3/4 of a tank of gas....hmmm

So I call the boyfriend and he says try to use a coat hanger...then he vowed to take the kids to school and meet me over there. So here I stand out in the freakin freezing cold watching my cat sit on the heating vent meowing at me like "hey its warm in here what the hell are you doing out there?" Biatch! I bet you I spent 30 minutes freezing my ass, fingers and toes off trying to pop that lock...Jules came out...to no avail....

So boyfriend gets lost while on his way over. I have to use the orange flairs to wave him in from a side street. He gets there and do you know that man took the coat hanger and popped that lock within 2 minutes! Unbelievable! Thank God for the boyfriend today!

So I talked to Jules on the way home and tell her unbelievable we tried for how long to get that f'ing lock and it takes him 2 minutes??? Without skipping a beat (which is why I love her) she says "Well I guess he is a better criminal than us".

Long and short of it...

1. You really should have a spare key that isn't made up

2. Keep a boy who has skills like that if you can utilize it with out having to bail him out of jail

3. Snow mobile jackets might be bulky but they are damn warm

4. Never leave a 4 legged creature roaming around in a running vehicle in -10 degree weather!

Here's to wishing none of you find yourself watching your car run while your toes get frostbite!!

Thank you for all your educational emails!

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been20found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258Th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Coke or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I c canʼt use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Nearly Christmas! (dedicated to Jules!)

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Hunting!

Ha ha bet no one would ever have thought this would happen. I did it....I went hunting! I actually always go down to Viroqua while the boyfriend does the hunting thing...usually I stay in the house making goodies and what not. I have gone out and helped try to "drive" the deer...who ever thought of that should be shot instead of the deer. This year however I had the luxery of taking my "brother inlaw" (not really, this is boyfriends brother) Brad out hunting. He is in a wheel chair and can't go by himself. So being the super cool person that I am or maybe am not, I took it upon myself to volunteer to go out hunting with him. Everyone else hunts and the normal person who would go with him is part of the huge family feud! So had I not volunteered I don't think he would have gotten to go. Now here is the thing, what I didn't know was that I didn't just get to drive him out to his "stand" and sit and wait for these infamous creatures. I actually had to learn to set him up...what!!!! I had to put his mount for the gun on his chair, adjust it so it was on there just so, and load the gun! OMG, I have never done this! Anyway, it was interesting.

What I learned:

1. Everything is a myth when it comes to hunting.

2. There is no "good" time to hunt

3. Hunting really is boring just as I had thought

4. Brad loves to talk...thought this was a quiet sport

5. It is possible to fall asleep during this activity

6. The woodland creatures can be very noisy

7. I think the woodpeckers send out S.O.S signals to the rest of the woodland creatures

8. Brad's Stand is in the middle of the Woodpecker Bermuda Triangle

9. The deer know when you exit (hence the tracks all around my tree after the morning trip out to the tree stand)

10. Deer see in black and white so apparently I didn't look like the "Great Pumpkin" that I thought I looked like!

PS on a side note, we went back down to Viroqua the weekend after Turkey day so boyfriend could hunt again since the deer had left on vacation the weekend before. Somehow I got con'd into going out with Jamey...what I learned, I don't like sitting 16 feet up in the air on a metal bench that is held on to a tree that is only about 8 inches in diameter...and by the way the deer were still on vacation...at least for us!

Diaper Cakes are Harder than they Seem!

So let me start by telling you that my Brother and His Wife are insane. I say this in the most loving way that a sister can. Most of you will understand once I explain. I hope that you do anyway.

K...here is the deal, I am the baby of the family. That being said you should know that I have four brothers and four sisters. At least 1/2 of them have issues. Some that are bigger than others. This is just a regular issue and I say that based on how I feel. Now, even though I am the baby of the family I have the oldest grandchild. Gabe is 12...I am 31 and I had him when I was 19 which I would have to tell you is way too young!!!! Love him to death though....love all my children to death...but I will be happy as hell when they graduate. When my youngest graduates I will be 43! Yay ME!!!! 43...still young enough to get out there and enjoy somethings!!!! Yay me!

This leads me to why my brother and his wife are insane. I understand that they were clever enough to wait to have children...that is all well and fine. My brother is currently 41....yup you heard me 41!!! Guess what they are expecting??? Child number 4!!! AGGGGHHH, can you even imagine....crazy! They have three girls currently, ages 9, 7, and 3! And now baby boy is due December 15Th! I guess they are getting their boy...

So because my sister in law is incredible insane she does not want to have a baby shower! So we are just giving her gifts for Turkey Day! This is why I made the Diaper cake...wish I had looked at pictures prior to making it but it is what it is...done complete and harder than I thought it would be!

He is an Idiot thus he Doesn’t know he is an IDIOT!

So the pine car derby situation is still weighing heavy on my mind. I spoke with “Phenomenal” today about the situation. Told her what went down and she said I need to lay it out on the line and just say I would really like for you to help because we both know that Sperm Donor is not going to help. This is an issue for me and I don’t understand why but for some reason I just don’t have it in me to lay it out on the line with boyfriend.
So in between conversations with “Phenomenal” boyfriend called and wanted to know why my face book account said I was pissed. I said that I was irritated with myself for shitty decisions that I had made in the past. He wanted to know what and I told him for procreating with a piece of shit which has landed me in a situation where I have to do everything all by myself. HINT HINT! He babbled on and on about stuff I don’t care about and then followed up with well I thought you were pissed because of the pine car derby thing….I said I am pissed about that but it is what it is and I will take care of it by myself same as usual, goes back to the fabulous decisions I have made in my life that have led me to where I am in my life right now. He told me about how he just didn’t think it was a good idea for him to help because that was something special he did father son with his son…what if JP’s car placed better than his sons…blah blah blah….I said Whatever it is what it is I will figure it out or find someone to help me get it done. Then he paused and followed that with “well when is it suppose to be done by” I said January, I said but I know me I am a procrastinator and I will leave it til the last minute then JP will have the shittiest car out there, so I will figure it out now or find someone to help me get it done….then he starts babbling about how I should get the weights for the car like I did for his son last year and he could take the block of wood to the shop and shape it…WTF….seriously WTF! At this point I don’t even care if that F’ing block of wood looks like a rock and doesn’t roll, I really feel like telling him to forget it, if it is so agonizing for him to help someone other than himself or his own children don’t worry about it I will take care of it myself and find someone to help me with it. “Phenomenal’s” boyfriend apparently loves derby car building maybe I can get him to help me….there has to be another way. I refuse to be dependent on anyone especially if I am never going to hear the end of how fabulous the person is who helped with it….one thing if I want to brag about how phenomenal the person is who help JP….agghhh men!
Anyway, Phenomenal told me that I need to lay it out on the line, not pussyfoot around and let him have it like I was talking to her because I don’t pussy foot around with anyone else. But to leave out the dork and IDIOT parts that I usually share with her. She told me that Boyfriend will help and I should let him...let him bring it up and when he says something just say "yea, that would be great if you could help"
When I asked her if I could say “Why do you have to be such an IDIOT?” she didn’t think that would work either…in fact she gave me the headline for this blog:
HE’S AN IDIOT THUS DOESN’T KNOW WHY HE’S AN IDIOT
And so there you go, he is an idiot! I am feeling slightly better about all this however still contemplating figuring out how to do it without him! Suggestions appreciated.

A Case of the Woozies!

While I am not quite sure what this picture has to do with woozy I can honestly say that I am not certain if Woozy is technically a word.

The reason I bring up the word is because this morning in a conversation with my phenomenal friend she told me that she didn't get in her OT this weekend cause she had been feeling a little WOOZY...I thought this is a funny funny word and giggled a little about this. So woozy is as woozy does Jules...and may you not feel WOOZY this week!

I was able to find this description which was funny:

The Woozy is a creature from the Wizard of Oz book series, first appearing in The Patchwork Girl of Oz.
He looks a bit like a square-cornered dog, but is made of flesh, not wood. He is unusually proud of the lone 3 hairs at the tip of his tail, and loves to eat honeybees. His eyes flash fiery sparks when he is angry; saying "Krizzle-kroo!" to him is guaranteed to get a few sparks.
A description of the Woozy, from Patchwork Girl of Oz:
"The creature was all squares and flat surfaces and edges. Its head was an exact square, like one of the building-blocks a child plays with; therefore it had no ears, but heard sounds through two openings in the upper corners. Its nose, being in the center of a square surface, was flat, while the mouth was formed by the opening of the lower edge of the block. The body of the Woozy was much larger than its head, but was likewise block-shaped--being twice as long as it was wide and high. The tail was square and stubby and perfectly straight, and the four legs were made in the same way, each being four-sided. The animal was covered with a thick, smooth skin and had no hair at all except at the extreme end of its tail, where there grew exactly three stiff, stubby hairs. The beast was dark blue in color and his face was not fierce nor ferocious in expression, but rather good-humored and droll."

Pinecar Derby!!

Boy Scouts are going to be the death of me. Possibly girl scouts and boy scouts together. Between fund raisers and trying to remember which day is which and who had to be where...thank God we passed on Hockey!

Anyway, this is not the point of the blog. Here is the deal....I signed JP up for boy scouts...I know his idiot father is of no use for this and I will be the responsible party for getting him to and from boy scouts and helping him participate in events...blah blah!!! Here is the problem that I am having...the pine car derby is coming up in January. I want you all to know that the last two years the boyfriends youngest was in boy scouts...I bought the decals and weights and whatever to make the car super duper and fast...boyfriend made the car and kid put the stickers on it. He is no longer in boy scouts. Now that I have JP in boy scouts I asked if boyfriend could help me make JP's car...he says well you know JP is suppose to build it...I told him whatever don't give me that crap you built your boys the last two years....he tells me well you know you should tell the sperm donor to build the car with him....ladies and gentlemen do you honestly think the sperm donor will be of any use with this project...give me a fucking break. I said whatever, I signed him up, it is my job to help him with his car, if you don't want to help me I will figure it out my damn self, just say you don't want to help....WTF!!! All the things that I do for him and his boys and he can't help my son build a fucking PINE CAR for the damn DERBY. OMG, I just want to punch him. He is damn lucky he isn't here cause I am PISSED. What a fucking jerk....If any of you think it is too much to ask of him please let me know so that I can bring myself back to earth.

Acne ... Again?

Just when you thought your "bad skin" days were over, adult acne strikes..

It's not fair. Just when you've successfully navigated the ravages of adolescence on your skin, you wake up and find acne. What can you do?

I don't know about everyone else but I have to tell you I had pretty perfect skin as a teenager...maybe a life ending pimple here and there....but OMG, what is going on now! I am in the end of the 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday...where in the hell is this coming from...you have got to be freakin kidding me!

Nearest I can figure is this is some queer punishment for being phenomially gorgeous! Thank God for AVON products...if you too are suffering let me know...I know just the products to take it away..trust me I have used everything!

Phenominal Friend Finally Gives In!

Finally after much prodding we have given up on the Mail Order Bride Idiot! I say this with great relief and joy. Although I am completely utterly grateful that the moron went with the mail order bride, it was a long and painful situation to go thru.

So now we are on to bigger and better prospects! Yay Jeff, whom I would like to tell you has had my vote for a very long time. Yay Jules for realizing more and better!

Thanks Jeff for hanging in thru the tough times and PS by the way she is definitely worth the patience and waiting. She is phenomenal and she deserves to be treated like that!

Now, that being said, don't think for a second that if things change I won't lite Jeff on fire! That's what BFF's are for! Yay JULES!!!!

I am addicted!

So, I am absolutely uncontrollably addicted to freebies. This is a new thing for me...you have no idea how addicted you can become...

It started about two weeks ago when I was tuning in to M&J in the morning on channel 5 (ABC I believe). They opened by telling of a segment that they were going to do about a mom who got all these freebies...now a week prior I tuned in and listened about coupon shopping. I am a horrible coupon shopper, not to mention I never have been able to find coupons that I for real need the product. But free hmmm I could give this a shot. So I tuned in and was dumb founded by all the free stuff this lady was getting....you would never imagine all the items. So I promptly wrote down the web address for future research.

Later that day after work I decided to investigate. OMG!!!! There is free stuff everywhere...so for the last two weeks I have been signing up for free stuff non stop! Shampoo, cookies, fabric softener, detergent, cleaners, bags, pens, tampons and pads oh my!!! I have thus far received dog food and treats, Charmin toilet paper dispensers, cookies, coffee, shampoo, perfume...some quit smoking stuff for the boyfriend!...and there is more to come. I am for sure sharing the GOOD freebie websites with you on my blog.

Also, side note, I found coupon websites and decided to try them out just to see if there was anything that was worth while...my friends you should know I printed out about 15 coupons on my printer, went to walmart...got all items that I would use cleaners, hair accessories, dog food, cat food, cookie mixes...and others for $7.00! Amazing! Thank you Heather ~Freebies4Mom blogger!

Miscommunication!

Hey readers, got this one from a co-worker thought you all might enjoy it!

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Popcorn, Discount Cards and God Knows What Else!!

So I know I can't possibly be the only one that is being bombarded by this nonsense of selling any thing and everything to all your friends relatives, and a bunch of strangers. We have so much going on in this house it isn't funny....we had pictures times 4....clothing for football, coupons and discount cards for hockey, popcorn for boyscouts, I am sure fall products for Girl Scouts and then whatever the kids get from school....who knows how much more there will be....anyway, hopefully someone who reads this feels compelled to buy something .... here is the letter from my boy;)
Hello everyone,
I decided to join the Cub Scouts this year cause it is going to teach me all kinds of things like respect, loyalty, responsibility and more....plus I get to have fun doing it! I am really excited to build my pine car for the derby. Part of being in the Cub Scouts is this fundraiser, it is the only fundraising that the boy scouts do and it funds our whole year. I am hoping that there is maybe some thing in that you might be interested in since there are many kinds of popcorn and this year there is even Trail Mix....lots of these come in great tins that are fun to display. We also have a selection for sending Popcorn over seas to our troops to if you didn't need any popcorn for yourself but you want the brave soldiers to get some. For that you have to pay for it upfront and I have to turn it in just 3 weeks...if you want to order anything else you can just email or call my mom with your order and you have until November when the popcorn arrives to pay for it. I appreciate all your help.
Thanks Again,
Jon Corriea

P.S.
You can see what is available at this website however if you would please email or call my mom with your order that would be prefered, when you order on the website my Den/Troop doesn't get any of that money, it goes to the Boy Scout Council only. Thanks Again:)

http://www.trails-end.com/TESales/public/productlist.asp?PublicCountryCode=1&action=FilterCouncil&FilterCouncil=24859&SelectedCountry=United+States&SelectedState=Wisconsin&SelectedCountryFilter=1&SelectedStateFilter=60&SelectedCouncil=Chippewa+Valley

For you Miss!

So my bff wanted me to share a story with you after she found a similar story online!

A long time ago when we were just teenagers I was dating this guy whom I apparently was the only one who enjoyed him. He was older and I thought he was cute....Anyway, BFF did not enjoy him and most certainly my mom did not enjoy him either. It just so happened that he played hockey and for whatever reason I really honestly don't remember I had his hockey stick in my bedroom.

My oldest sister lived with a friend who had a little boy that BFF and I would babysit pretty regularly. Most times this would be so that Sis and Friend could go out to the bar. One nite BFF and I were babysitting and as usual it entailed us spending the nite so that the girls could close the bar down. Now Friend gave permission for the boyfriend to spend the nite so all was cool. He came over later and we just hung out and then we all went to sleep....boyfriend, me, and BFF all right next to each other in that order. Nothing happened...I swear this on my children's life and also based on the fact that BFF would have murder him first and then me.

So, low and behold the girls came home and nothing was said about boyfriend spending the night. Didn't seem like it was a big deal at all. We went home the next day as usual and things still were just fine. We went somewhere together boyfriend, BFF and myself...I think we might have went to see one of BFF's Foreign exchange student friends...memory is a little foggy on this so I could be wrong. We came home and pretty much before we got past the front door my mother came out swinging with the Hockey Stick...told him to never come back along with I am sure some explicative words of advise for the boyfriend.

At that point boyfriend left with BFF and myself waiting on deck for steaming hot Mother to return. Although both BFF and I tried to explain that nothing had happened Hockey Stick Mad Mom was not in the mood for conversation and for the first and only time in my life my mother slapped me.

That being said let me give you some excerpts from BFF's findings:

DELTONA, Fla. - An angry Deltona father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room. Authorities say the father, 45, didn't even know his daughter had a boyfriend or that the youngster had been sneaking into the home for more than a year.

When he heard noises coming from his daughter's bedroom Thursday morning and saw a stranger standing naked on the girl's bed, he swung a metal pipe. He then chased the teen out the front door and called police.
The boy was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples.
The father was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000.

Bottom Line : Mom the Boyfriend in question would definitely not be worth the penalty!!!

True and Funny!

Found these funny stories and wanted to share with all...completely odd:)

A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. (Note to self...if this is your neighbors pet you might be a redneck)

Thank God I am a Christian, pretty sure Jesus isn't going to send me out on this mission:

A 40-year-old man walking his dog in the nude was Tasered by police when he refused to follow an officer's commands. David McCranie of the Tallahassee Police Department said an officer on patrol spotted the man shortly after 8 p.m. Friday.
The man was asked what he was doing and told the officer, "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog," McCranie said.
McCranie said using the Taser was the only way to subdue the man without having to hurt him. The man was then sent for mental-health evaluation and treatment.

If these are the kinds of emergencies they have in Scotland I am so moving....I will write when I get there friends:

1. Your rabbit's ears aren't floppy? Sorry, that's not an emergency. So said police in Scotland when a woman rang the emergency 999 number to discuss her concerns about her new pet. She said the newspaper ad promised floppy ears, but flop they would not.

2. Central Scotland Police said Monday they were equally unimpressed by another caller who complained that a passing car had splashed water on him, and by someone else inquiring about the postal code for a town's post office.

Dirty dishes are definitely not worth a $10,000 bail bond...what friend gets you out for this one?

Police say a 20-year-old woman faces an aggravated assault charge after she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face and swung at him with a sword during an argument about him not doing the dishes.

2 Hours Since Exchange...Kids crying to come home!

So, it's Exchange Kids with the Sperm Donor Friday...lucky me. There is a ritual that starts in my house approximately 15-20 minutes after I pick up my children from the Sperm Donor on his weekend....I begins shortly after they move from his vehicle to mine on that Sunday. Generally it goes something like this...So how was your weekend did you do anything fun?...this is followed up with whatever they did or didn't do with the Sperm Donor and his Mail Order Bride. Most times it ends in man I wish we didn't have to go next time or something along those lines. I try not to ask too many questions and honestly this is to protect my own self because I don't want to hear the bad stuff that I can't protect them from.

For those of you who don't know since day one of our separation even Kaylee and Jonathan have not wanted to go with Sperm Donor...this has evolved now to include Gabriel. All three are now contemplating things that they can do or become involved in that will decrease any visitation time spent with him. Gabriel has even decided that even though he didn't really care for sports camp that he would rather go to that then have to go to his dads. Not a suggestion on my part. The girl has decided that hockey, 4-H, Girl Scouts and possibly Ski Sprites are great things to do to avoid the house of torture....Jonathan is determined to be a boyscout and well would pretty much do anything else if it meant not going to dads....what should I do?

The past few weeks in particular have been filled with stories of being forced to stay at the table until everything is gone from their plates not matter what it is, no snacks during the day, no drinks unless it is meal time, Sperm Donor and Foreigner eating candy in front of the kids but not sharing ever, baths still given by the Foreigner, not being allowed to call home, all Daddy does is smoke and drink...countless stories about Beer and their Dad....the list goes on...so here I sit with all this info and nothing I can do about it....Court on October 2nd.

Which leads to this blog...Kid exchange was as usual in Baldwin at 630...kids picked up by Foreigner. Approximately 2 hours after the exchange I get a call from the girl...I find this peculiar because they have been denied the right to call before??? Anyway, girl is upset, she is crying she is homesick, she misses me and wants to come home...she says she doesn't feel good her tummy hurts...I am heart sick...I remember being homesick, for those of you who don't know I couldn't spend the nite at even a relatives house without getting homesick until I was a teenager. I remember!!! And here is my baby girl crying and physically sick because she doesn't want to be with her own father and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sperm Donor being the dickhead that he is would never allow for her to come home, I can't make him, I can't do anything for her except assure her that it is not my decision and she says she know that.

I just don't understand why parents are this way. You should never make a child come to see you. If they don't want to come that should be their choice. I do not sit and tell my kids all kinds of bad shit about their father to make them not want to go. I know this does happen in other cases but this is not the case here. The just don't want to go. The law sucks, kids don't have any rights basically to chose who they want to be with or when or anything else. In Eau Claire in particular they have the man with little man syndrome who sits high and mighty behind his little desk with a gavel and the authority to make every ones life miserable all because he has a penis between his legs and thinks that men get the short end of the stick when it comes to placement of children. I am not saying that men shouldn't get custody or good visitation of there children but there are some circumstances in which one parent simply is not a good fit for the children at that particular time or forever and instead of just auto adjudicating every app for custody with Joint maybe we need to be taking a closer look at each situation.

Point being the system sucks and I would still like to meet Lady and the Tramp in a Dark Alley with a baseball bat.

Mid life crisis with a mail order solution?

When the package arrives, you pull the handle, and your "bride" inflates.

For those of you who need a little refresher on the whole Mail Order Bride/Groom (yes they even have grooms) here is a summery before I rant...

A mail order bride or groom is a person who publishes their intent to marry someone from another - usually more well-developed - country.Historically, mail order brides were listed in catalogues and selected by men for marriage. Sometimes they were citizens of the same country, and other times they were not. They traditionally hail from lesser developed countries, such as China, Venezuela, and India. In the past, international marriage agencies would publish picture catalogues but the Internet has largely supplanted this method.It's different from an arranged marriage in that the parents have a role in choosing the bride / groom for their child. In mail-order, you pick at your own risk.

So now for my personal touch...I have this friend who is perfectly wonderful who has been dating a perfectly wonderful douche bag! She no doubt is reading this and is not clueless to how I feel about Mr. Wonderful! So here it goes....So my friend is terrifically awesome to this man, treats him like a "King" and loves him tremendously and Mr. Wonderful for the past 6 plus months has drug his feet with excuse after excuse about how he had been talking to several other women at the same time as when he started talking to my friend...and the whole oh woe is me...I just gotta know....What he just has to know is if the grass is greener on the other side. He feeds her lines of crap because he doesn't have the balls to not have a back up plan. Problem is my friend is awesome and can't let go especially since he keeps being wishy washy....so my "Jewel" of a friend who has a full heart invested in this man has stuck around for numerous others to drop out of the picture...now we are down to "the last one" or so he says...but this is where it gets just great.

Last one is from 1/2 way around the world....now I think Mr. Wonderful actually believes that she is legit, but I suspect that is because he is a freakin IDIOT (or honestly maybe it is genius on his part? it so far has worked...) um hello, she begs and begs for you to come, you agree, you get a unsolicited email about mail order brides and her picture is on the front of it (no searching needed) and you let her explain it away as an interpreting company who also does mail order brides....are you serious...are you freakin serious. What kind of a Dickhead do you have to be. Top that off with your last point of contact with her being that she wants to introduce you to the parental units, ask daddy for permission to marry his daughter...make references to "our kids" and "our house"...and you think all she wants is to meet you...If you insist on going to just "meet" her to easy your conscious I would be sure to check your luggage for stowaways when you come back...

What kind of fucking idiot do you have to be to fly 1/2 way around the world to meet a woman who can't speak English, posts her picture on websites aimed at Morons in the United States, tells you she is only looking for an American man, and loses touch with you on occasion (in particular when something occurs that would cause suspicion of her intentions). I have thought a lot of men were losers, I have thought a lot of men were idiots, but this man is pure ASSHOLE as he requests that my friend who is phenomenal wait so that he knows for sure that the grass isn't greener on the other side...So for those of you wondering about all the asshole pictures on the blog...those are directed at Mr. Wonderful!

Mr. Wonderful, what you should know is that My Friend is absolutely PHENOMENAL and deserves better than you and for some unknown ungodly unexplainable reason has chosen to lay her heart on the line for you. If you had a pair of balls you would wake up and realize that the greener grass you are looking for has already been by your side for months now treating you like a KING!!! Wake the fuck up!

Because I am Just That Freakin Important!!!

So what I have learned is that whatever I set my " status" to is very very important to people. It appears that within the last month on more than one occasion a Kettle corn stalker has needed to figure out why my status is what it is and if it is in reference to her...now, I must tell you that on more than one occasion and yes indeed on the last two occasions that she has inquired it has been in reference to the Kettle corn Stalker...but not always...I do however enjoy throwing things in there that catch her off guard and make her question her own childish tactics including this last one for which I updated my status to "Tammy is thinking keep dreaming, that is the past" which was in reference to Kettle corn putting a picture of her and my boyfriend together over 5 years ago when they were dating as one of her pictures on her face book account....how freaking big of a douche bag (thank you bff for that word) do you need to be to post that pictures...seriously!!! Posting a picture of you with an ex boyfriend on your various web account only leads others to believe that you feel that you aren't good enough and you have absolutely nothing to add to those around you or to life in general...which quite honestly is certainly true in this case.
So, for the rest of my avid readers, which there are not too terribly many, do not take this post to heart because really it is a spoof and you know me well enough to know how much of this is a joke! Read on....
I’m the most important person in my life and certainly in yours and I say this without regret or ego. It is a fact that if I do not take care of myself to the best of my ability I will fail as a human being. This means I am more important than you to me. If you think this is a selfish ideologue I have absolutely no problem accepting that. But I bet you do, because you know that what I say and do is more important than anything you could possibly have to offer. I am the most important person. And it is all about me. This means if I want to help you, extend myself to you, or be of service to you, I have to put me first. This also means I don’t have to help you if I don’t want to and the reason is none of your business - not to sound unkind - but you do not have a “right” to me, my thoughts or my feelings. I owe no one an explanation and those people who would require one, would want one in order to judge it to either talk me out of it, make me wrong on it, guilt me with it, or try to rationalize it away from me. If I trust to, I may tell you. If I don’t I won’t. You do have a “right” to yours and I may suggest that if you’re feeling “off” you examine them. If I lose me, I am useless to you; I am useless to me. You cannot fill up my bucket, no matter how hard you try. If you bend over backwards and contort and hurt yourself for my benefit I may or may not notice but you will almost surely get resentful. Your resentment will not hurt me. I promise. But it will hurt you. It will permeate everything you touch and you will stunt yourself.
So if you must know, yes it was intended toward you, anytime you read what I think, know that it is true, it is probably about you and your stupid thoughts and tactics, and no matter how nice I am to you in person, I do for certain, not like you!

What Should Have Been a Great Weekend....

So, what started out as a great extended weekend went Arie on Sunday. Friday was spent running a few last minute errands for the pre-1st day of school. Saturday was just kind of a lazy day...don't think we really did all too much but that was kind of nice as this summer has been kind of hectic with lots of kids all summer long and summer school and sports camps you name it, it probably happened for us. Sunday is the great day that I must tell you about. Sunday was a joke. See, some how during the middle of last week I got roped into working Sunday to test out the new system for work. It started something like this: supervisor "Hey we have some overtime...you want it"....me (and a few other unsuspecting soles) "ah yeah!"...supervisor "well you have to work in the office" me "agghhh"...but I needed the OT so OK...well then we were told it would be for 4 hours starting around 11am...that was followed by a few teleconferences telling us it could be earlier, it could be later, it could be short, it could be longer, it could be in Cyndi's office....oh who knows but call in every 15 minutes for an hour and a half prior to whatever the latest start time is that you know of cause it could change. Now we were going in to help test out the new system that the company was massly switching to all in one weekend. Making sure all info went over...After a painful morning of waiting and waiting some more, the start time went from 2:03pm to finally 6pm...got there, waited....waited some more...and then waited again....finally got log ins....found out that I was literally there to test 2 things, which took me all of maybe 20 minutes, much of that time was the explanation on what exactly I was looking for...reviewing a report that was really meant for IT, not me!!, some pizza, a few candies and a couple of sodas, and ta DA!! 4 and 1/2 hours of Sunday pay for 20 minutes of work later and I was on my way home, tired, disappointed, sun burnt (*from the pre work time excursion to the park for the big boys to play football so I could spend the rest of my long weekend listening to how sore the babies in my house were) and convinced that this migration was a great big joke!

The Little Things That Count

This is something that has been on my mind the last few days and thought that it would be something good to serve as a reminder that the little things in a relationship are important. We all know that there are major things that are required of a couple to make the relationship work. But often it's so easy, as we race through each day trying to accomplish an impossible number of tasks, to forget about those we love. Soon, and often unintentionally, one partner, or both, are left feeling unappreciated, overlooked and in need of some serious "TLC."

Logically, we all know that a relationship must receive attention if it is to grow. Realistically, few of us take the time to fan the relationship flames as often as we should. But help is on the way.

Showing your special someone how much you love them doesn't have to take a lot of time or cost a lot of money. In fact, it's better if it doesn't -- it's the little things that we remember most. So don't wait until next Valentine's Day to show your significant other that you love and appreciate them. Try to incorporate at least one of these romantic ideas into your partner's day, everyday (and when you've done them all, keep going by creating your own, or repeat the cycle!)

Little things count in relationships -- just think back to your last argument with your spouse. Chances are it was over a mundane, little thing. Meanwhile, most people can instinctively rattle off at least a few (but probably many) little things their mate does that drives them crazy.

So I thought that I would touch on a few of the little things that make me smile:

25 BIG Little Things to do for Your Loved One

1. If it has been a month or perhaps for some a decade or more since you told your spouse why you love them, surprise them with a compliment! Simple but very powerful!
2. Leave a little love note in your loved one's briefcase, purse or lunch.
3. Guys, put the toilet seat down.
4. Give your spouse a 15-minute scalp massage.

5. Offer to do a chore that he or she normally does.
6. Blow your loved one a kiss, or give him or her a wink, as you're walking out the door.
7. Say "I love you" when they LEAST expect it.
8. Request a special song for him or her on the radio.
9. Plan an evening out for just the two of you.
10. Change the toilet paper roll when it's empty.
11. If your Saturday nights have been involving sweat suits and pizza for too long, surprise him or her by taking the time to get dressed up.
12. Preserve some mystery and romance in your relationship by closing the bathroom door when appropriate.
13. Offer to warm up your partner's car when it's cold outside.
14. Treat your loved one to a professional massage.
15. Bring home some coffee and a fresh fruit plate (or whatever breakfast treats you enjoy) one morning while your partner is still sleeping.
16. Acknowledge the things your partner does for you.
17. Pick up your loved one's favorite snack food the next time you're at the grocery store.
18. Take the kids to a movie so your spouse can relax in the tub/go to a yoga class/watch a football game.
19. Create a new tradition together. This can be something as simple as taking a walk together to get coffee on Saturday mornings, ordering Thai food on Sunday nights, or taking the dog for a walk together after work.
20. Turn off the TV for a night and ask your partner about his or her day/dreams/concerns.
21. Write a list of what you love about your partner and tape it to the bathroom mirror before you leave for work.
22. If you know that something you do bothers your spouse, don't do it. For instance, if leaving your dirty clothes next to the hamper (instead of in it) annoys your mate, make an effort to put your clothes inside.
23. Stop at the video store on your way home one night and surprise your loved one with a movie that he or she has been wanting to see (even if you'd really rather not).
24. Clear the clutter out of your bedroom, garage, basement or kitchen counter -- without expecting anything in return.
25. Do something out of the ordinary. This can be something simple, like getting home early from work to have dinner together or getting up early with your mate (even when you don't have to), but it can a have big effect on your relationship.

The No ASSHOLE Rule!

The first step is to recognize who is an asshole.
First Method: It’s called the Starbucks Test It goes like this: If you hear someone at Starbucks order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” you’re in the presence of an asshole. It’s unlikely that this petty combination is necessary—the person ordering is trying to flex her power because she’s an asshole.

A second method is to use Suttons’s dirty-dozen list of everyday asshole actions:
Personal insults
Invading one’s personal territory
Uninvited personal contact
Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal
Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
Withering email flames
Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
Public shaming or status degradation rituals
Rude interruptions
Two-faced attacks
Dirty looks
Treating people as if they are invisible

A third method—albeit the least reliable, scientific, and fair but the most fun—is to search Google with a person’s name (or a profession) plus “asshole.” This yields some interesting results. For example, I am associated more with the word “asshole” than Terrell Owens.

How To Avoid Being an Asshole
The first $64,000 question is, “How does one avoid being an asshole?” No big surprise, but I’ve compiled a top-ten list to summarize :

1. Face your past. The past is a very good predictor of future behavior. For example, were you a bully in school? If your parents and siblings were assholes, you may have caught the disease. Knowing that you’re an asshole is first step towards change.
2. Do not make people feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled. If you find yourself having these effects, it’s time to change your behavior no matter what you think of yourself.
3. Do not mistreat people who are less powerful than you. One of the sure signs of an asshole is treating people like clerks, flight attendants, and waiters in a degrading manner.
4. Resist assholeholics from the start. The easiest time to avoid becoming an asshole is at the very beginning. Don’t think that you can do “what you have to” to fit in and can change later. It won’t happen.
5. Walk away and stay away. Don’t be afraid to leave a bad situation. It’s unlikely you’ll change the assholes into good people; it’s much more likely that you’ll descend to their level.
6. View acting like an asshole as a communicable disease. If you have any sense of decency, when you’re sick, you avoid contact to prevent spreading the disease. So if you act like an asshole, you’re not just impacting yourself; you’re also teaching other people that it’s okay to be an asshole.
7. Focus on win-win. Children (young and old) think that the world is a zero-sum game. If another kid is playing with the fire truck, you can’t. As people get older they should realize that life doesn’t have to be a win-lose proposition--unless, that is, you’re an asshole.
8. Focus on ways you are no better or even worse than others. Thinking that you’re smarter, faster, better looking, funnier, whatever than others turns people into assholes. Thinking that you’re no better or even worse keeps you humble.
9. Focus on ways you are similar to people, not different. If you concentrate on how you and others have similar goals, desires, and passions, you’re bound to be less of an asshole. How can you treat people that are similar to you with disdain?
10. Tell yourself, “I have enough stuff (money, toys, friends, cars, whatever).” Discontentment and envy is a major factor in becoming an asshole. If you’re happy, there’s no reason to stomp on others.
How to Deal With Assholes
Let’s say that you’re not an asshole, but you have to cope with assholes. What can you do? That’s the second $64,000 question.

1. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with assholes is that they disappoint you--making you wonder the very value of humans. Lowering your expectations can help reduce disappointment. Don’t solely lower your expectations, though, or you will slip into cynicism (and possibly turn into an asshole too.) Continue to hope for the best.
2. Develop indifference and emotional detachment. In other words, don’t let the jerks get to you.
3. Look for small wins. Small victories can keep you going. Most assholes pride themselves in total control and absolute domination. Any victory, no matter how small, can keep you going. Rest assured that small victories can lead to winning the war.
4. Limit your exposure. You can do what you can to avoid meetings and interactions with assholes. This involves finding or building pockets of “safety, support, and sanity”.

5. Expose them. Marge’s Asshole Management Metric. This refers to four-point system from 0 to 3. Marge, the boss, would point to people who were behaving like assholes and hold up one, two, or three fingers according to this code:
1 = You are a normal person who can occasionally assert yourself on an issue you are passionate about, but you handle yourself in a non-confrontational way in nearly all occasions.
2 = You can consistently assert yourself in a non-confrontational way and are occasionally an asshole, but you feel horrible about it afterwards, and you may or may not apologize (but you probably will have to confess your remorse to someone).
3 = You can consistently be an asshole and you either do not recognize this or you simply enjoy it.
By the way, 0 in her system means this:
You are a very nice person, and very passive. No one can say a word against you and would never think to call you an asshole.
If you are safe in your position, then calling assholes out is a good way to deal with them.
6. De-escalate and re-educate. This strategy requires that the asshole you’re dealing with isn’t a “chronic,” “certified,” and “flagrant” asshole. It means meeting asshole behavior with calmness (instead of either similar behavior or fear) and trying to re-educate the person about how he’s behaving.
7. Stand up to them. Funny thing about assholes: Standing up to them shouldn’t necessarily scare you.

Man uses Barbie fishing rod to make record catch

ELKIN, N.C. - David Hayes' granddaughter just asked him to hold her Barbie rod and reel while she went to the bathroom. He did. And seconds later he landed the state record channel catfish at 21 pounds, 1 ounce.

Alyssa's father had bought the pink Barbie fishing rod for Christmas and she had caught a few bluegill before her grandfather hauled in the catfish. The Winston-Salem Journal reported the catch Aug. 5 in eastern Wilkes County has been certified as a record by the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission. Hayes and his granddaughter have been fishing in the pond behind his house since she was big enough to hold a pole. Hayes said his granddaughter worried he would break her rod. He landed the 21-pound fish on a 6-pound test line. It was 32 inches long, 2 inches longer than the rod.

Who says Barbie is just for girls!!!

Off to Court to Get Screwed Again!

October 2, 2008

Time 10:00AM

So once again I get to go and see the Court Commissioner whom I believe suffers from a severe case of little man syndrome. For the second time this year Brian and that hag of a mail order bride of his have decided they need to take me to court. This time it is to re establish how much he should pay in child support and also to give him more tax exemptions. Don't know why I should bother going to the court date as I know that the man with the Gavel is going to rule in favor of the man who no doubt will end up just calling in for the court date....even though according to him "it is not about the money"! Fuck that what a piece of shit...I know this is a day of negative postings and I do apologize for those of you who are having a good day but I am down right pissed and tired of getting fucked over by anything that has a penis between its legs and decides to talk. Don't expect me to be pleasant and think the world of you because I don't and I never will. Just remember, what goes around comes around, and God willing yours is coming soon.

This Just In: Kettlecorn Strikes Again!

Festival in the Pines was this weekend. An event that I generally enjoy! It has now been ruined for me forever with the revenge of Kettle Corn! Now I not only hate Kettlecorn, I hate any Festival, fair...basically any event that serves this monstrasity of a treat. I have absolutely no desire to see this crap again.

What started out as a fun adventure with Jamey's family to my favorite crafting event went arye when the Dink noticed the Kettlecorn stand and informed me "Hey look, its #4's favorite, you know what she wanted from Country Jam" to which I replied she can get her own...from that point it was on...and ladies and gentlemen I lost. I don't even fucking care any more. Because she is his friend he can get her some if he wants...and honestly I don't disagree with that...I buy shit for my friends all the time just because...the problem that I have with it is as follows....

If Dink was out strolling with or without me he would not stop and say to himself or anyone else "Hey Tammy would really like this" and stop and buy it for me...Here in lies the problem...What the hell do I mean to him....Well for those of you who have my Myspace info you will see that my attitude for the day is "used"...thats right "USED"!! I do absolutely everything for Dink and his children and at this particular time I feel like I mean nothing! Absolutely nothing! I don't even rank high enough for him to buy me some freakin kettlecorn, a soda, a piece of chewed gum. What I am good enough for is a place to stay, a kitchen to eat at, a free pair of shoes...and a massage. Hence the feeling Used....Today I would like to curl up in a ball and die!

So, Ms. Kettlecorn, here it is, you have been waiting and waiting to have him back to yourself and as of today you are way closer than you have ever been!! Come on over and get your fucking Kettlecorn and enjoy!

Random Search!

So another long nite of restlessness leads me to searching thru funny pictures on Youtube and then googling for the same picture I found on a Youtube video....I happened across this picture and had to take a second look to make sure that it wasn't The Sperm Donor's Foreign Exchange Student Albanian Wife....

For those of you who have not heard the story, The Albanian is a terrible driver, which is ironic because she works for Progressive insurance...Note to all regular and non regular readers, if you are insured thru Progressive and you have an accident that brings an Albanian man looking woman out to your site to report the claim, you might actually be in luck...since she has been in approximately 5 accidents since getting her license a few years ago, there is a good chance that she actually knows what she is reporting on. It may be in her own personal resume of accidents.

Now for the real reason the picture made me smile....in the middle of July I had to meet the Albanian to drop off the kids. This is something I am forced to due per court order...the meeting place a McDonalds in Baldwin. So, I am waiting there with my mother, always my companion for such trips, when the Albanian pulls up. I never get out of the van unless I absolutely have to...this is how I practice self restraint for what my bff likes to call the urge to light the Albanian on fire. Now, on this particular occassion I could have been nice and met her somewhere closer to the cities since I was going to Jamey's shop to take Uncle Bob out for his birthday dinner, however since the Sperm Donor and the Albanian's are pricks I did not do this and met them at the court order place at the court ordered time. I awaited her transfer of the kids into her car, which is her 2nd car, first car was involved in 3 accidents to my knowledge...alas she figures out how seatbelts and carseats work and they are off...or so she thought...she reved the engine and pulled up over the little cement barrier thing (nearly close to the one in the picture) oops must have put it in drive instead of reverse...the entire time my mother and I are laughing hysterically at the Albanian, whom I am sure can hear us. Still not realizing that she has it in drive she hits the gas again...not going far because she has her car already hung up on the cement barrier...the look of frustration on her face because she clearly still hasn't figured out that she has it in drive, not reverse, she shuts off the car, apparently thinking that she is having mechanical issues....she turns car back on and this time hits reverse...only she is so hung up that she only reves the engine....OMG, sitting in the van watching as I nearly piss my pants....finally she gives it enough gas and gets back over the hump....WOW!

So she gets on the freeway heading back to the cities with my children, driving like she is in a Nascar race...apparently she is the Jeff Gordon of Racing in Albania! Imagine the look of surprise when she sees us going the same direction!

Having to deal with the Sperm Donor ....Cost: more time/money than I can list

Watching the Albanian pick up my children....Cost: a heart attack waiting to happen

Look on Albanian's face as I pass her....Cost: worth more than you know

Sound of Sperm Donor on Sunday when we talked about the exchange of the kids when I answered that yes I did go all the way to the cities on Friday....Cost: Priceless!!!!

Restless and Laughing for no Reason

Tammy

PS The Albanian had a new car for the next pick of children!!! Wonder if it had to do with nearly ripping the engine out of the old one? Ah well who cares!